Author Fan Mail: Mercury Falls author Rob Kroese

One of the treats that ensues naturally from my work with authors and publishers here at Kindle Nation and at several thousand other blogs under my close control is the steady stream of obsequious and inappropriately affectionate email messages that I receive each day. This is as it should be, and it is my untested theory that many of the email messages are actually perfumed. Unfortunately the reason the theory remains untested is that I cannot figure out how to enable my Mac's magical and revolutionary "scratch and sniff" feature. (Ordinarily I have my 12-year-old son handle such operations matters, but there is simply no good reason why he should be made aware of the likelihood that I daily receive perfumed missives from otherwise reputable male and female authors.)

In any case, which is to say, I digress. It probably goes without saying that I am far too busy to actually read these groveling, sniveling messages. I do respond, usually by saying "Great stuff!" or "Great to hear it!" and I always sign off by saying "Cheers," which I am told means one thing to upper crust types like myself and quite another to regular drinkers like myself. But even though I do not actually have time or patience to read them -- after all, I read 9 freakin' sponsorship submission novels an hour here! -- I suspect it would be a fine thing to share them here on my indieKindle blog for authors and publishers, if only to help train in the aforementioned pleasant and much-appreciated quality of obsequiousness.

So, I've selected at random the following message from a recent Kindle Nation sponsor, er, let me check for the name, here it is, Mr. Kroese, how would one pronounce that exactly? As I have taken pains to say, I didn't read it, although I failed to mention the other reason for not reading such emails, which is that I fear that reading such messages from the "author" hoi polloi might taint my humility, which I have been told, or perhaps I imagined being told, is among my several most charming qualities.

So here's the set-up:

Dear Mr. Windwalker (if that is your real name):

Perhaps you misunderstood the terms of the deal that I offered you. In exchange for agreeing to ghost-write your memoir, entitled “Walking with the Wind: One Man’s Journey to Overcome His Crippling Fear of Open Spaces,” you were supposed to use your Kindle Kung-Fu to boost my novel, Mercury Falls, “as near as possible to the top 100 books in the Kindle Store WITHOUT ACTUALLY BREAKING INTO THE TOP 100.” As you recall, I promised to make a $500 donation to the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation (http://www.gwendolynstrongfoundation.org/) if Mercury Falls rose higher than 101, but you assured me THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. I feel, sir, that I have been duped. While I am sure that the GSF will use my $500 for worthwhile things like saving the lives of thousands of very small children, I cannot help be feel that this money could be better spent on my OWN charitable enterprise, confusingly also named “GSF.” My organization, “Greedo Shot First,” raises awareness about the fact that Han Solo was acting in SELF DEFENSE when he shot the bounty hunter Greedo in the Mos Eisley Cantina. But now, thanks to your abject trickery and my habit of looting the GSF treasury whenever I feel the need for  a Taco Bell run, Greedo Shot First will remain woefully underfunded. I hope saving the lives of a few thousand innocent children is worth that cost, Mr. Skywalker.

Rob Kroese

P.S. I also object to your characterization of me as a “madman.”

P.P.S. I assume we’re still on for ping-pong tomorrow? Call me.

Thank you, Mr. Croesus! Cheers!